Why are so many women risking one-night stands?

In the final part of our exclusive survey, what women really think about casual affairs - and aboriton

By FRANCES HARDY
Last updated at 1:53 AM on 16th November 2010

• Comments (87)
• Add to My Stories

Ever wondered how other people’s love lives compare to yours? Or whether one-night stands are rife? In an exclusive survey, the Mail set out to discover what really happens in Britain’s bedrooms.

In the first part of our series, we revealed how, at 50, your love life can take a nosedive and, yesterday, we exposed how many people really cheat on their partners. 

Today, in the last part, we unveil the disturbing truth about abortion and promiscuity ...

Ashleigh Taylor’s teenage pregnancy was the result of a moment of reckless abandon during her pre-university gap year. Fifteen weeks later, aged only 18, she had an abortion: she says she had no other option. ‘What kind of a life would that baby have had? I didn’t even know the father’s surname. 

‘I had a one-night stand. It was an isolated moment of madness and one I bitterly regret,’ she says. ‘But I couldn’t have brought a baby into the world at that time.’

Ashleigh, now 25 and a TV researcher, was poised to begin a degree in English and religious studies at Bristol University when her casual sexual encounter with a ‘nice, middle-class guy’, who was on a university rugby tour, threatened to throw her plans into turmoil. 

No regrets? The Mail's survey has found that nearly half of all women in their 20s have had a one-night stand, while the figure for those in their 30s and 40s are nearly as high

She was working part-time as a waitress to help fund her studies when, soon after a long-term relationship had ended, she met a group of sportsmen while on a night out with girlfriends.

‘I was very attracted to one of them, who was tall with nice eyes and lovely manners,’ she recalls. ‘I knew I was throwing caution to the wind — I’d never had a one-night stand before. 

‘But we used a condom and the next morning I went to the chemist to get the morning-after pill, to make doubly sure. 

‘But the assistant, who talked to me about my health first — I had irregular periods — dissuaded me. She said it was unlikely I would need it. 

‘I was thinking it was something I could laugh off. My generation doesn’t think one-night stands are remarkable.’

 

More...

• How many people are unfaithful? Why do they stray, and who do they have affairs with? Our survey reveals the surprising answers...
• The results are in... What really goes on in Britain's bedrooms

There was, however, nothing laughable about the ensuing weeks, during which Ashleigh, feeling listless and feverish, slowly realised the persistent symptoms she had attributed to ’flu could signal a pregnancy. 

‘I did a test in the loo at work, and when I realised I was pregnant I was so horrified I felt sick. The next day, I went to a family planning clinic. They confirmed I was 14 weeks gone — I think I’d been in denial for a long time that it could be happening — and I told them straight away I wanted an abortion. 

‘I had no money, I was about to start university and my parents — Mum is a teacher and Dad runs his own IT business from our home in Devon — are traditional and would have been deeply shocked and disgusted by my behaviour.

‘For two days after the termination I lay in bed, shocked and exhausted — it was horrendous. I told Mum I had a very heavy period. 

WHO KNEW

23 per cent of women over 60 have had a one-night stand - 56 per cent don't regret it

‘Then I went back to my job and, three months later, started university. I coped by blanking it out. And, although I still believe I did the right thing, I’m paranoid about getting pregnant again and haven’t had a successful relationship since the abortion.’
Ashleigh’s experience is not remotely uncommon. 

Today, in the final day of the Mail’s survey, British Women and Sexuality, we can reveal that almost half of British women in their 20s — and almost as many in their 30s and 40s — have had a one-night stand. 

And nearly a quarter of women in their 20s — Ashleigh’s age group — have had an abortion during their young lives. 

Our poll — the most exhaustive and wide-ranging study of its kind in years — asked almost 1,000 women, all of them married or in long-term partnerships, searching questions about every aspect of their intimate lives. 

We asked them whether they have had a one-night stand — and whether they regretted it. 

We also discovered how often sex had unforeseen or unwelcome consequences — whether they be unwanted pregnancies, emotional trauma or sexually transmitted infections.

One-night stands, it emerges, are not solely the preserve of the young. Almost half of women in their 30s (46 per cent) and 40s (45 per cent) have had casual, one-off sexual encounters, while those in their 50s are not far behind — more than a third have had casual sex. 

Apparently, few regret the experience and women in their 40s are the least remorseful: surprisingly, three-quarters of them say they have no qualms, while 65 per cent of those in their 50s also have no regrets. 

So Jayne Price, 46, a PA from Cambridge, is in the minority when she confesses that she ‘positively cringes’ when she recalls the men she slept with during her ‘wild’ undergraduate days. 

Jayne, who has a son, 14, and a daughter, 12, is married to Richard, 52, an IT consultant, and admits her husband has no idea how promiscuous she was before they met. 

‘I have never confessed how many men I’ve slept with,’ she says. ‘Actually, I’m not quite sure myself — definitely over 20 — and I’m ashamed that many were one-night stands. 

‘Some I met at parties. I’d wake up the next day and could barely remember if we’d had sex or not. On other occasions I’d look at the stranger in bed next to me and cringe as I thought: “What on earth have I done?”’ 

Mercifully, Jayne, who was on the Pill, did not suffer an unwanted pregnancy; neither did she have a sexually transmitted disease. 

But as soon as she met Richard, 23 years ago, she began to feel guilt and regret, which was compounded when her daughter reached adolescence. 

‘I realised I was hardly an exemplary role model — not that I’ve discussed my exploits with my daughter,’ she says. ‘Sadly, while at the time I thought I was just having fun, it is a part of my past I wish I could erase.’

Significantly, it is the younger women — those in their 20s — who more often repent their one-night stands. 

WHO KNEW

16 per cent of 20 to 29-year-olds have caught a sexually transmitted disease

In that age group, 44 per cent of women said they wished they had never had their encounters, compared with 37 per cent in their 30s, 26 per cent in their 40s and 35 per cent in their 50s.

This is, perhaps, because — being at their most fertile — their brief encounters were more likely to result in unwanted pregnancies.

So how many made the traumatic decision to terminate a pregnancy? While 23 per cent of the youngest age group in our survey (20 to 29-year-olds) admitted having had an abortion, surprisingly, similar numbers of women in their 40s and 50s — 22 per cent and 20 per cent, respectively — have also had terminations. 

Only in the 30-39 age group did the figure dip slightly to 17 per cent. Meanwhile, the figure for the over-60s — for many of whom abortion was illegal during their child-bearing years — was nine per cent.

Dr Andrew Fergusson, a former GP and now spokesman for the Christian Medical Fellowship, says: ‘We have reached a point where abortion is seen as just another method of c ontraception. For years, the effects have been swept under the carpet and evidence is only just beginning to emerge of real physical and psychological implications for some of the women who have abortions.

‘There is an increased risk that, if they later have full-term pregnancies, they will go into labour early, which raises the chance of their baby having a disability. 

‘There is also evidence of increased suicide attempts and episodes of depression among women who have had abortions.’

Indeed, for Amy Connolly, 28, a receptionist from South-West London, her decision to end a pregnancy precipitated profound guilt and episodes of depression. Amy became pregnant when she and her then- boyfriend Tim failed to use contraception after a New Year’s Eve party. 

‘I will never forgive myself for accidentally becoming pregnant,’ she says. ‘I still feel guilty that I was so careless and allowed it to happen.

‘By the time I realised I was pregnant, I had split up with Tim. I just assumed abortion was the only option. 

‘Neither my GP nor anyone else suggested I might have the baby. I expected to feel relief after the termination. Instead, I felt grief and huge self-loathing. I’d ended a life. 

‘Since then, I’ve endured terrible periods of depression. It’s even negatively affected my sex life. It’s as if I’m punishing myself for my actions.’

Although 56 per cent of women say they do not regret their abortions, many are, it seems, beset by a complex amalgam of emotions after them. 

Those who are most sanguine are in their 20s, with their child- bearing years ahead of them: 67 per cent of this age group do not have misgivings about their abortions.

However, this view dramatically reverses as a woman’s fertility declines: the majority of women — 64 per cent — in the 40-49 age group do mourn their decision to end a pregnancy. 

Among them is marketing manager Claire Smith, 43, who has had four abortions and can no longer have children. 

Claire, who is married to James, 46, a solicitor, and lives in North London, says she is paying a ‘heartbreaking price’ for the decisions she took earlier in her life. She opted to end her first pregnancy after losing her virginity at 16 to her first boyfriend. 

‘We were naïve and used no contraception,’ she recalls. A second abortion followed when she was a student at art school. She discovered she was pregnant for a third time after a relationship had ended. 

On each occasion, she says, abortion seemed the only option. Then, when she was 30 — and, by then, doubly cautious about contraception — she became accidentally pregnant for the fourth time. On this occasion she considered keeping her baby.

‘But I’d been taking malaria tablets during a holiday in Africa. My doctor warned me they could have damaged the foetus and advised an abortion. My boyfriend and I split up — the termination put a terrible strain on our relationship — and I devoted my 30s to my career,’ she recalls.

By 2006, when she met, then married, James, a divorcee with no children, she felt ready for motherhood. But she had developed fibroids — benign growths in her womb — and had to have a hysterectomy. 

Her regrets are profound. ‘I can’t conceive now and I often wonder what might have been. I’m lucky to have a wonderful husband and career. But I feel I would have been a good mum. 

‘I felt I should be in a stable relationship and financially secure before I had a child — maybe a result of my parents’ divorce when I was young — but now I will never be a mum. It feels as if part of me is missing.’

WHO KNEW

18 per cent of women have had an abortion - nearly 50 per cent regret it

Yet, the Royal College of Psychiatrists says there is no clinical evidence that women suffer psychologically as a result of early abortions.

‘The risks to psychological health from the termination of pregnancy in the first trimester are much less than the risks associated with proceeding with a pregnancy which is clearly harming the mother’s mental health,’ its report states.

However, the experience of Sarah Giles, 31, from Northampton, who works in sales for a computer company — and many like her — seems to contradict this. 

Sarah lives with her long-term boyfriend, an estate agent, and it was their baby she chose to abort: they felt they were not emotionally ready or financially equipped for parenthood. 

‘My decision has dramatically affected my life,’ says Sarah. ‘I had the abortion last year and what hurts me is that I have a good job, as does my boyfriend. We could have supported a baby. But we had a knee-jerk reaction — it seemed too much, too soon. 

‘We come from supportive middle-class homes and we want to raise a baby properly, be married, to plan for it. But now I long for my baby.

‘I thought the procedure would be pretty painless, but it was dreadful. 

‘Today, I have a huge sense of loss. Nothing feels how it should be. My boyfriend and I are still together, and I hope one day we’ll get married and have children. But I will never forget. 

‘Even today, I see pregnant women in the street or happy young mothers with their babies and think: “That could have been me.” And I cry.’ 

Of those who go down the same route as Sarah, 44 per cent feel similarly.
It is a thought to reflect upon as the figures continue on their alarming upward trajectory